this sounds like a job for the magic 8 ball of shi'a islam. follow the links contained herein Link and all will be made clear to you.

i went to see the gypsy
he was livin in a big hotel.
he smiled when he saw me comin
he said well, well, well.

his room was dark n crowded,
his lights was low n dim.
how are you?, he said to me,
n i said it back to him.

i went down to the lobby
to make a small call out.
a pretty dancing girl was there,
and she began to shout:

go on back to see the gypsy.
he can move you from the rear,
drive you from your fear,
bring you through the mirror.

he did it in las vegas,
and he can do it here.
--- bob dylan
"went to see the gypsy"

To answer the question you opened with, yes, it does sound like your a cheater. Although from what you've described I can understand why you've done what you've done. I can only hope that this isn't a rebound type relationship for both of you, and that it doesn't lead to more pain for all involved. As someone that was once in your friends position (ie, the other guy having an affair with a married woman), I can understand how he wants you to be gone when your husband gets back. If you think polygamy would work then go for it, but I think it would only work if everyone involved was willing, if not it would end up being a tug of war that would hurt everyone. Which, indirectly, your going to cause by not deciding what to do. It is your life, and the sooner you decide which way to go the better for everyone involved. At this point it is doubtful there will be a happy solution, but that's life (sexually transmitted and invariably fatal). You might well end up alone, but you shouldn't let the fear of that control your actions. Do what you need to do for yourself (and your kids).
And that's my opinion on this matter, but I am in no way all knowing, just another foolish mortal, so take that into consideration when deciding what to do. Should you want to talk further (outside of JU that is, since we can reply to each other here easily enough), I can be found on AIM and Yahoo messenger under the screenname dannybassette. Take care and I hope you find a way through this difficult time.

Hi,

I think I can relate to how you feel. Some years ago, I was in a similar situation - well, not quite. My Ex-wife never cheated on me, as your husband did. But I know very well what an earth-shaking experience it can be if suddenly someone enters your life who actually cares for you, who suddenly showers you with affection, and you find yourself soaking it up like a dry sponge, and all at once you realize how much you missed all that in your marriage.

But I shouldn't talk about me here, so back to your article. One warning: I'll be very honest and very outspoken in this comment. I do this on purpose, because i think, when someone's in a state of confusion (and i think you are at the moment), it's often best to lay the cards on the table and be as honest as possible. This means I won't be "careful" in this comment; if that might pose a problem, please don't read on. Also (that's a warning too ), I'm not a native speaker, so I may hit a wrong word or tone from time to time.

First off, it seems as if a part of you has made its decision already. If that weren't the case, then you'd probably have been a lot more secret about your affair, especially to your neighbours. That doesn't mean that you *have to* follow this decision, however it's making it more difficult not to.

Because of this, I think it would be highly advisable to figure out a way to tell your husband what's going on. Moral issues set aside, he'll find out anyway as soon as he's back. The situation when he gets back will be awkward, but it will be much better to deal with if he hears it from you instead of your neighbours. It may even be better if you tell him while he's still away, so that he has time to cool down a little before he gets home. You'll know that better than me, I don't know how your husband tends to react.

You don't have to present your husband a decision (yet). At the moment, if I understood you right, you are thinking about whether to end your marriage or end your affair, and you're very unsure what's the right decision. You may need some more time to figure that out, which means that you must find a way to get along together in the meantime. This, too, will probably be easier when you're open and honest to your husband.

There are obviously a lot of thoughts running around in your mind right now, some of them are more helpful than others. In my opionion, one thought is particularly unhelpful, that's "He cheated on me first" - it sounds like a justification for cheating back on him. You *know* that this line of argument is silly, still you say things like "I'd never have cheated on him if he hadn't done it to me". Honestly, do you really know? There obviously *is* something missing in your marriage, something important, and you met someone who provides exactly that, and possibly much more. Are you really sure that you would have, under all circumstances, resisted the temptation to bath into these feelings of love and affection that you were missing for a considerable time? That your husband cheated on you first of course made it easier for you to cheat on him. But you didn't have to. You could have decided otherwise. I'm not saying that your decision was wrong - my point is just that you had the freedom to decide there, so you have to take responsibility for your choice and shouldn't (however partially) blame your husband's past actions for it (you don't do it openly, but I think that's an underlying thought for a part of your post - my apologies if I'm wrong here). At least that's my opinion.

So my advice is to stop thinking about whether you are cheating, whether you're somehow guilty or not. Try a different approach, try "O.K., I'm cheating on my husband, now let's see how we can best sort it out for the future."

At the moment, it's probably difficult to make a decision that will massively influence your future. On the one hand there's your husband, who you say you love very much, but you *do* miss important things in your marriage. On the other hand, there's your friend, who gives you what you long for, but your unsure whether this may just be infatuation.

You said that it's wrong to leave FOR someone, I think that's mostly correct. When you just fell in love with someone, you don't know how it will turn out in the long run. Your sexlife is great now, it *may* fade out later, you never know. Your friend showers you with his attention right now, this *cannot* stay on the same level in a long-term relationship, but you don't know whether it will remain on a high level or (as it seems to have been the case with your husband's) just die. In three years from now, your friend and you might be fighting because one of you drapes his clothes accurately on a chair while the other just lets them drop to the ground. You can guess how the future will be, but you can't tell, and when you've just fallen in love with someone, it's even harder.

So *if* you leave your husband, you should be aware that the relationship between your friend and you might not work out as you hope for. The question you should ask yourself, in my opinion, is whether it were better for you to leave your husband even when there were no other lover around at the moment.

The experience with your friend may have given you a new perspective on your marriage. You said in your post that you stayed with your husband partly because you thought no one else would want you. You now know that isn't true. So now might be a good time to re-evaluate your marriage. How lucky do feel in your marriage? Is the current state of your marriage (before your friend showed up) the way you want it to be? If not, can you and do you *want* to live with it nevertheless? Can it be improved again?

I can't answer these questions, but I think these are the important ones. I can tell you how it worked out for me: I found out that I lied to myself a long time about my marriage. I was feeling terribly unlucky, even depressed sometimes, but I just didn't think that any other woman would want me. I thought that my marriage was the best I could get, and if I didn't feel lucky, I blamed myself for it for not enjoying what other people find "normal". I knew that my wife and me didn't "fit together" very well, but I thought that was *my* fault. When I fell in love with another woman, it was mainly a part of me trying to break free from the prison I built around myself, and I actually succeeded in that. I did *not* start a relationship with my "affair"; she knew from the start that we wouldn't fit together as a couple either, and although I thought otherwise back then, I later found out she was right. But that affair gave me the power to end a marriage that had become a burden for both my wife and me. My wife and me managed to get divorced with mutual feelings of respect, and without strife, we both thought (and still think) that that was the best solution. I'm now together with another woman who actually can accept me as what I am, and I feel I made the right decision. Despite this, I *do* have to carry the guilt of heaving cheated on my wife. It may have been necessary for me to realize my situation and break free, but that doesn't change the fact that I did cheat on her and that I did break my vows. I certainly don't feel proud of it. I don't know whether your situation is similar ... but I offer my experiences in case they may help.

One other thought: Don't let your friend push you. He doesn't want you to be around when your husband gets home, that's understandable. He knows that you still love your husband, and he must fear that he'll lose you when your husband gets back. But as I said, don't let him push you. You have to make a decision, a very difficult one, and he has to give you the time to do that on your own, as hard as that will be for him at the moment. But if he doesn't give you that freedom, then some years from now you might argue whether he (although lovingly) pressed you into something you weren't sure about.

One question you didn't write about is your children. I don't know how old they are, and I don't have much experience with children. But I know that divorces (if that's the direction you choose) are often (not always) a terrible strain on children, so that will have to be considered too.

Humm, now I've written *far* more than I intended to. Well, I hope something of my prattle can be of help.

Love is a disease.

Heh...no, no it isn't. It may behave like one...but what you're in isn't exactly love, you've convinced yourself that you "need" your husband, and apparently he sounds like a fuckhead(excuse the language). Your "friend" sounds like a much better person, that's kind of what divorce is for, but that's just my advice...go with your heart, but first sit down and think to yourself..."What do I really want? Who is best for me?" Then you'll know the answer...but of course, I'm not an expert...it'll be hell for you, until you make up your mind.

~Zoo

Wow, this sounds like a derivative of an article I just wrote yesterday. Feel free to read it. Link Now in your case, I wouldn't be happy being married to that guy either. He's cold & indifferent to you, he's cheated on you... Of course you're happy that you met the new guy! In my opinion (please don't take this is as professional advice...take it for what it's worth:) The best thing would be to divorce your husband. He doesn't love you as much as you love him. Let him go. Marry the nice guy who's really good with your children too. But don't cheat on him anymore behind your husband's back. Come out in the open with your husband, make sure he's clear on what's going on, and divorce him. I know you're not sure if the new guy won't just turn around to do the same thing to you that your husband did, but...well...OK, that's where things get iffy.
Hey, kingbee's Magic 8 Ball sounds like a good idea after all. Try that.